Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Drunk Olympics

This week The Panel wrestles with the question of "What was the craziest thing you have ever done to a drunk person?"

What kind of mayhem can our crew come up with?

Up first this week is Jen:

I'll have you know as a professional bartender for 10 plus years I took an oath to "do no harm" to a drunk person long ago and therefore have no heinous stories to tell. I've never painted a mustache on anyone or put their undies up a flagpole. I doubt I've ever tied anyone up or left them outside nekkid.

I did pretend to get someone drunk once. The other bartender and I were convinced this girl was one of those "fake" drunks who would use alcohol as an excuse to misbehave. One night we came up with a new shot that we figured she'd like. She loved it and had half a dozen and boy did she get plastered. The thing was there was no alcohol in it. Heh. We were nice though, we didn't charge her for them.

Now lets see what Stephanie has to throw in:

I guess since I bailed on the last one I ought to write something for this one, huh? Ugh. The fun part is that I don't think I have any good stories or... you know, incidents to draw from. Speaking as someone who likes to think she's a bit of an anti-social recluse, my days of drunken shenanigans are all but at an end. Tragically, though, there have been a few occasions on which I have consumed perhaps more than was advisable...see, there's this whole get-drunk-and-make-out-with-people problem. And it is a problem. And that is all.

I fired the question out to Kristin and she fired this back:

Ummm...I don't have an answer to this question. You can use this, if you like Houston. When I tell you guys that I'm boring, I'm really not kidding. I have never had the opportunity to do anything crazy to a drunk person. I've never been around drunk people. That's not normal is it?

Justin responded with:

Damn, Kristin, I've at least been around drunks. I just don't have any good stories... well there was the guy in New Orleans that thought it was a good idea to announce to everybody in this nice seafood place in the French Quarter that his girlfriend had to take a bathroom break, but that doesn't really count does it?

Yes it does *Giggle*

My take on the whole thing is a mix between me ridiculing myself or the story where I tied a drunk friend's shirt sleeves together so they couldn't open the car door and hurt themselves.

Worked like a charm.  Totally incapacitated them.

Anyway, I guess I should blow the story on my infamous drunk dance.  I went out during a trip back to Tennessee and was treated to many, many tequila shots.  Too many to be exact.  You know you are drunk when at the end of the night all your friends say good bye and each and every one makes sure you are not driving home.

So as we leave the bar, THE WIFE tells about my "Special Dance" called "The Libido."  "The Libido" involves lots of booze and my ungainly awkward body performing pelvic thrusts.  Apparently my body moves in such a way as to defy the laws of physics (and apparently is quite the hoot to everyone in the area).  It didn't take too much prodding before I broke out in dance...

In front of the bar...

And everyone in the parking lot...

Lets just say I'm glad no one filmed it or I would have been the next Star Wars Kid.

And Mollie Katie wraps it up this week:

I don't have drunken stories, but I do have drunken family lore. My namesake grandmother was at a high school party that, as they so often do, was host to some underage drinking. When cops showed up, she and some friends made a run for it. She lived in a small town, lots of farmland and not a lot of cars. So she split off from the group and was pursued by one of the cops into what she thought was a very large hay field. She jumped into one of the haystacks to hide from the cop until he gave up and left. Notice how I said she "thought" it was a hayfield? Um...notsomuch. The large mounds were not haystacks but manure piles. You can imagine her unpleasant surprise. The cop laughed so hard he cried. He let her go home, saying he didn't want his squad car smelling like shit...and her having to explain being covered head to toe in manure would probably get a worse punishment from her parents than a night in jail. So there you go. Look before you leap, drunk kids, because you could be leaping into a giant pile of shit.

Michelle cut out on me this week but I forgive her and hope to see her in the mix next week.

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