Monday, October 5, 2009

The one in which we make fun of one of our own

kristin If y’all hadn’t noticed, Kristin has skipped out on the past two questions. So, I asked The Panel:

Why do you think Kristin's opted out of two questions in a row?

It should be noted that I also encouraged The Panel to “get creative” with this one, and we’ve gotten some great responses.

It should be noted that I’ve given Kristin a chance to fire back at all of us for making fun of her, roast-style.

So, let’s get this crazy train started.

Also… be sure to vote in the poll in the sidebar. We want to know who you think had the best story!

• Houston: The question of what could be keeping Kristin from participating in The Panel’s questions haunted me long before the “Official” question was posed.  Was she a secret agent?  Was she a Libyan spy?

Was she a man?

Eventually I found out the “Truth.*”

Kristin is actually Barack Obama in disguise.

I know you are all rolling your eyes and saying “OK this is ANOTHER half baked fantasy like all the others,” just like all my doctors say, but hear me out.

Have you ever seen Kristin and Barak Obama together in the same room?

Have you ever seen Kristin’s birth certificate?

Where was Kristin this week? My money says she was in Copenhagen pitching Chicago in the Olympics for 2016.

Truth be told, last November she was really busy for some reason, and I don’t recall seeing her on 20th of January.

THIS was the final “Proof**”. The “Smoking Gun” so to speak:

Kristin and Gibbsy

I rest my case.

*Truth may not actually be truthful.
**Proof may or may not be a little shaky and may or may not be confirmed and/or fully vetted.

• Justin: It's my personal belief that Kristin went into hiding because she finally realized that I wasn't really going to marry her and had to come to grips with it.

"Why the hell would she care?" you ask? Let me explain. About two months ago, Kristin asked me on Twitter if she'd marry me. Thinking she was joking, I said I'd do it.
Well, it turned out that she wasn't joking after all. It started harmlessly, she'd simply send me racy emails and ask me when I was flying out to Vegas to do it. I wasn't too concerned about it at the time, but it just kept getting weirder.

After about two weeks, UPS started delivering boxes from her to my door. I'm still not sure how she got my address, but somehow she did. Out of curiosity, I opened the box. It had a letter written in lipstick that read "You could be ripping these off of me," a bra, and panties. Apparently used. With no need for these things, I sent them on to Houston's son since I figured he'd get more enjoyment out of them.

Dammit, Houston had a blog post about finding stashes of panties in his son's room, but I can't find it. Did you delete it, Houston? I was going to use that! Anyway, trust me, THE WIFE really did find two stashes in there. I swear!

Anyway, back to my story. I kept getting these packages about twice a week. I was kinda flattered, but kind of creeped out too. More creeped out, though.

Just before she took her "hiatus," she sent me an envelope that I opened. When I opened it, there was a huge poof of powder, and a note. Apparently she'd gotten sick of waiting and bought me a one-way ticket on Southwest from Houston-Hobby to Vegas and promised to pick me up at the airport. This was when I realized I had to talk to her about things.

I called her up and told her: "That was an awesome gesture, and I was blown off my feet by it, but I just don't fly Southwest. I know bags fly free and all, but the singing flight attendants scare the crap out of me!"

And that's how I didn't marry the most beautiful woman in Las Vegas.

What was the question again?

• Mollie Katie: So. Kristin. You've missed two questions for The Panel in a row. You say you've been "busy" with work and school. But we both know that's a lie! There's something...sinister...going on here. And I'm going to expose the truth to the world!

SSH 3 You're undervalued at work. You have fantastic ideas that will bring the company's success to new heights. But no one reads your carefully researched memos. Boss man gives you tasks beneath your skill set. You fetch his coffee, plotting. You think, He wants a secretary? I'll be his bloody secretary! Complete with sexy secretary heels of the day! If you follow @aka_kristin on Twitter, then you know allllll about the #SSH. That's how it started.

Popsicle Time But the sexy secretary heels only made the boss man pay attention to you in the worst way possible. He brushes up against your chest in the break room by the coffee machine. When you get inventory from the top shelf, boss man "helps" you keep your balance on the tall ladder by grabbing your ass. You go home every day, enjoying your popsicle time and sublimating your rage.

Austin Powers & The Fembots In Happier TimesOne day boss man overhears you taking to a co-worker about how tired and sore you are from working from sunup to sundown  without a break. I could really go for a massage, you say. Of course, he seizes the opportunity to rub your shoulders and sends the co-worker away so heFembots In Action 1 can have you alone. He whispers in your ear, "Do I make you horny, Kristy? Randy? Do I, baby?" And that's it. You snap. You  think, You're so unoriginal that you're taking pickup lines from  Austin Powers?! And you don't even get my fucking name right!!! I'm just a part of your harem of FemBots, aren't I? Oh yeah? You just wait! I'll show you!

SSH 1 Kristin, you know it, I know it, and now the readership of The Panel knows it. You've been too "busy" these past two weeks to answer questions for The Panel because you've been turning your sexy secretary heels into machine guns. And you need to Machine Gun Leg stop. Just because your sexiness is too much for boss man to contain himself is no reason to resort to workplace violence. Well, okay, you're allowed to do it just this once because, let's face it, I like the manparts but even I know that would be totally hot.

Terrorists and evil dictators of the world --- Bin Laden, Quaddafi, Chavez, Ahmadinejad... Eat your hearts out. We all know who the baddest bitch in town is. And she looks much hotter in stilettos than any of you do!


Jen and Michelle didn’t participate. Something about trying to save the world or something. I’m not really sure, I stopped listening when they said they weren’t doing this one.

Anywho, here’s Kristin’s response:

I miss two Panel questions and suddenly everyone is rife with speculation about what I've really been up to. Now I have to admit that your theories are brilliant, but mostly wrong. I'd love to tell you the REAL reason I missed the last two Panel questions, but I have a reputation to maintain. All I will say is this:

Oh, Justin, Justin, Justin. I am deeply disappointed and more than a little concerned for you. How could you say that I did all those things when we both know the truth. We both know that it was you who sent me the racy emails, and the woman's panties and bras. (Which by the way, you have excellent taste, but it was a little creepy, especially because they were all in the right size for me.) Just one question....did you try them on?

Mollie Katie, sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself. You get extra points for the Popsicle picture. I am indeed, the baddest bitch in town. And I do look much hotter in stilettos. So thank you for that. I'm always up for a little workplace violence when the hags make me angry. Which is usually everyday, so that wouldn't explain my absence either. However, whenever I see my boss now, I'm automatically going to think Austin Powers and start laughing.

Finally, Houston...I guess there is really only one thing I can say. I AM Barrack Obama. I do make a beautiful woman, do I not?


Just a friendly reminder that we’re on Twitter and Facebook.


  1. Kristen, et al,

    I don't know what you have done to leave the impression with the other bloggers that you have, but I have always assumed that you were helping at an old folk's home on odd days and an animal shelter on the even. And it must be hard walking those puppies in the #SSH

  2. Nope, she works at the old folk's home for a COMPLETELY different reason than you think.

    I ain't touching the animal shelter.